I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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