man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
