not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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