i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
