long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
