I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
