If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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