Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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