I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize