wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
