What a fucking waste of an outfit
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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