One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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