glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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