yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
