Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
