Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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