so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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