I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
