My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We are two peas in an std pod
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
