if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
