I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
