just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
