dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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