Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
