i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
