Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize