Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
