the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
