He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
