my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
