please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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