I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
