I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
