im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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