I think I died a long time ago.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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