Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
