i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Banned from zoo.
Again?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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