who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
