I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
