Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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