Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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