am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
