Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
