I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
