I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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