I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
