you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
ttyl tear gas
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
