well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
