After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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