I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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