Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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