she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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