I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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