"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
