I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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