I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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