if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
