We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
