i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
