If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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