FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
