sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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