I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I would fuck him just for his dog
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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